Jesus Is Not A Republican

With an election coming up you can expect to hear a lot of Republicans say they are doing what Jesus would do because Jesus is a Republican. In fact Jesus probably has more in common with the Occupy Wall Street crowd than the Republican Party. He was an unemployed, hippie, immigrant, pacifist, socialist from a single parent household.

Jesus Was An Arab

I know most depictions of him show him as being white with a neatly groomed beard. This is absurd, they didn’t have conditioner back then (remember he’s living in a desert), so his beard would have been wild and crazy. He would have looked more like Osama bin Laden than the statue in your local church.

Jesus Was Unemployed

While Jesus is claimed to have been a carpenter, you never hear of him actually making anything. That’s right, Jesus was unemployed. Not because there was a downturn in the construction sector because Jesus never even went looking for work. So you know those lazy people sitting on their arse claiming welfare because they’re too lazy to work? Jesus was one of them.

Mary Was A Single Mother

Whatever happened to Jesus’ dad? Joseph was there when he was born but we never hear from him again. That’s right, Jesus grew up in a single parent household. All those single mothers’ conservatives love ranting about; well Mary was one of them. Some say God was the baby daddy. If so, he was a terrible example of family values. He gets Mary knocked up and then he’s never seen again. He doesn’t help pay the rent or even visit his supposed son. What sort of family values is that? Without a father figure in his life Jesus could have turned gay (mind you he doesn’t show the slightest interest in women, never had even a girlfriend and spends all his time hanging around men . . .).

Jesus Was A Bum

He wandered from town to town relying on hand outs and free places to stay. He never offered to earn his food or pay his way.

Jesus Was A Hippie

You see a long haired guy (who probably hasn’t washed) walking around talking about peace and love. Let’s be honest you’re going to call him a hippie and wonder why he doesn’t get a job.

Jesus Was A Socialist

He went around saying it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. And you thought Obama talked about class warfare! Worse still early Christians held all their possessions in common! Each was given according to their need! (Acts 2:44-5) This Jesus fellow is nothing but an early Marxist, a Communist! I bet he wants to redistribute the wealth!

Jesus Didn’t Oppose Low Moral Standards

When a woman was confronted with a woman who had committed adultery, he forgave her! This lax moral code is the case of all the world’s problems (as every Republican knows)

Jesus Didn’t Oppose Abortion

Jesus didn’t say a single thing about abortion. That’s right; he had no problem with baby murder! (which is what abortion is as every Republican knows)

Jesus Was A Pansy Pacifist

Jesus refused to support the brave troops of the Roman empire! He would have given into the terrorists and let them win! All is talk about peace is unpatriotic!

Jesus Supported Welfare

Feed the poor? With who’s money? That’s right Jesus wants you to give your hard-earned bread to some good for nothing layabout

Jesus Implemented Socialized Medicine

Heal the sick is all well and good, but for free? That’s practically communism!

Jesus Was an Illegal Immigrant

That’s right fleeing persecution (bloody asylum seekers) Jesus sneaked into Egypt, without papers. To support themselves, his family probably stole Egyptians jobs and I bet he couldn’t even speak the local language or understand their culture.

Jesus Supported Separation Of Church And State

Give unto Caesar’s what is Caesar’s? Give unto God what is God’s? Only a liberal would think those were two separate things.


Filed under Religion

10 responses to “Jesus Is Not A Republican

  1. What I find especially telling was that the sin the authors of the bible chose to showcase Jesus’s forgiveness was that of adultery … not the *obviously* more severe mortal sins of homosexuality or abortion. Of course, a large percentage of people in power commit adultery, so obviously we need to focus on other sins to publicly condemn instead …

  2. Wonderful and provocative piece. Thank you Robert.

    Let me try to comment on each point Robert, and know that I am doing this out of love, and passion for your wonderful piece.

    Jesus was a Jew not an Arab, but I would agree that He would look like an Arab.

    Jesus was probably a carpenter before his 3 years touring Israel as a rabbi.

    Ancient Jewish children automatically followed their father line of work. It would be wrong to view 1st century employment statues, as it is 21st.

    Joseph died, but Historians do not know when. John 2:1-13 story indicate that Jesus as firstborn of Mary was uncharged of her. We can see it by Jesus calling her “Woman!”. Only a child who was in charge would call her mother with that title in ancient Judaism.

    Jesus could not be a bum because ancient Judaism teaching was a consider work as it is today. His mother, and other Mary’s supported his ministries. Put this is how it worked in ancient Judaism. We should be careful not to impose our modern thinking to ancient Judaism.

    Jesus was a socialist indeed.

    Jesus did oppose low Moral Standards. In fact He rose the bar higher. No divorce by just giving a paper, or just being angry with your brother and call him a bad word is murder in the eyes of God, and looking at the woman with lust is already committing adultery. The Woman caught in adultery was forgiven and asked not to sin no more. The problem was with her accusers who believed were more righteous than the woman.

    Jesus would have opposed abortion, as He was a Jew. Jesus did not say many things e.g. incest, bullying gay. We should avoid an argument from silent to make our case.

    Jesus was not a pacifist. Giving unto Caesar’s what is Caesar’s he indeed separate the Church from the state. The ancient states were not pacifistic, as a follower called to give service to state’s army, then following Jesus’ word, would be accepting, giving what is of the state, justly fighting for your state (just war).

    Jesus indeed supported sharing of the goods, because in their worldview, if one gain everything and lost his soul, if souls existed, it meant nothing. I believe we would be wrong reading our modern welfare system into ancient Judaism.

    Jesus’ healing were done as signs and wonders, if we believe John Gospel that is, to show whom He was. If God did the healing I believe it is fair enough for Him to ask for payment when that person meet her maker. But if the doctor does what doctors do, then Jesus would say a labor deserves his wages.

    Jesus could not be illegal migrant because there were no laws of immigration. Projecting our modern understanding to ancient Judaism is simply not correct.

    I hope we would be careful to read Jesus in his own context. Thank you for a wonderful article.

    I totally agree that Jesus is not Republican. He had his own agenda ☺

    Let me know what you think.


    • The whole article was only meant as a tongue-in-cheek satirical joke. Its supposed to be funny because we’re using our standards to judge Jesus when obviously things were different. I’d agree with most of your points except the ones on abortion and pacifism

      • O! I see. Now you got me laughing. I see the irony in it.

        But I am curious, why do you think ancient Judaism Jew, trained as a rabbi would affirm abortion? And What reason could we offer to believe that Jesus was a pacifist?


  3. garrettspeaks

    According the the bible, only later was Mary a widow. Joseph and Mary were present during his time at the temple teaching the rabbis when Jesus was 12.

    Also Jesus wouldn’t have been Arab, but a Hebrew person. Arabs and Hebrews look somewhat different.

    Otherwise, very good and accurate post.

  4. Given the choice, I think the majority of “conservatives” would rather continue to worship the homophobic God of War that they have in Republican Jesus than change their politics.

  5. I’m not sure that all of these are correct, I think I’m with Prayson Daniel here. Except for the pacifism thing, Jesus was pretty pacifistic. But I like the heart of the post. For what it’s worth, I’m not sure I would say that Jesus was a democrat either…

    • Its only meant as joke, obviously I wasn’t the least bit serious in writing this. I just wanted to mock the fact that Republican always seem to claim Jesus is on their side

  6. Well done satirical piece.

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