With an election coming up you can expect to hear a lot of Republicans say they are doing what Jesus would do because Jesus is a Republican. In fact Jesus probably has more in common with the Occupy Wall Street crowd than the Republican Party. He was an unemployed, hippie, immigrant, pacifist, socialist from a single parent household.
Jesus Was An Arab
I know most depictions of him show him as being white with a neatly groomed beard. This is absurd, they didn’t have conditioner back then (remember he’s living in a desert), so his beard would have been wild and crazy. He would have looked more like Osama bin Laden than the statue in your local church.
Jesus Was Unemployed
While Jesus is claimed to have been a carpenter, you never hear of him actually making anything. That’s right, Jesus was unemployed. Not because there was a downturn in the construction sector because Jesus never even went looking for work. So you know those lazy people sitting on their arse claiming welfare because they’re too lazy to work? Jesus was one of them.
Mary Was A Single Mother
Whatever happened to Jesus’ dad? Joseph was there when he was born but we never hear from him again. That’s right, Jesus grew up in a single parent household. All those single mothers’ conservatives love ranting about; well Mary was one of them. Some say God was the baby daddy. If so, he was a terrible example of family values. He gets Mary knocked up and then he’s never seen again. He doesn’t help pay the rent or even visit his supposed son. What sort of family values is that? Without a father figure in his life Jesus could have turned gay (mind you he doesn’t show the slightest interest in women, never had even a girlfriend and spends all his time hanging around men . . .).
Jesus Was A Bum
He wandered from town to town relying on hand outs and free places to stay. He never offered to earn his food or pay his way.
Jesus Was A Hippie
You see a long haired guy (who probably hasn’t washed) walking around talking about peace and love. Let’s be honest you’re going to call him a hippie and wonder why he doesn’t get a job.
Jesus Was A Socialist
He went around saying it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. And you thought Obama talked about class warfare! Worse still early Christians held all their possessions in common! Each was given according to their need! (Acts 2:44-5) This Jesus fellow is nothing but an early Marxist, a Communist! I bet he wants to redistribute the wealth!
Jesus Didn’t Oppose Low Moral Standards
When a woman was confronted with a woman who had committed adultery, he forgave her! This lax moral code is the case of all the world’s problems (as every Republican knows)
Jesus Didn’t Oppose Abortion
Jesus didn’t say a single thing about abortion. That’s right; he had no problem with baby murder! (which is what abortion is as every Republican knows)
Jesus Was A Pansy Pacifist
Jesus refused to support the brave troops of the Roman empire! He would have given into the terrorists and let them win! All is talk about peace is unpatriotic!
Jesus Supported Welfare
Feed the poor? With who’s money? That’s right Jesus wants you to give your hard-earned bread to some good for nothing layabout
Jesus Implemented Socialized Medicine
Heal the sick is all well and good, but for free? That’s practically communism!
Jesus Was an Illegal Immigrant
That’s right fleeing persecution (bloody asylum seekers) Jesus sneaked into Egypt, without papers. To support themselves, his family probably stole Egyptians jobs and I bet he couldn’t even speak the local language or understand their culture.
Jesus Supported Separation Of Church And State
Give unto Caesar’s what is Caesar’s? Give unto God what is God’s? Only a liberal would think those were two separate things.